Sometimes God tries my patience. When another fierce migraine descended upon me today, turning my brain into tapioca pudding, I found it a bit more challenging to give thanks and surrender than I did on Sunday. The novelty wears off.
But, of course, true faith, true commitment, is not based on novelty. My life belongs to God every day, every moment and my trust in His gift of grace remains even when temperamentally I don't feel any patience for life's trials.
After cancelling everything and sleeping a few more hours, I meandered through my day. (The free online dictionary defines the word meander as "to move aimlessly and idly without fixed direction." Quite appropriate.)
At one point, I listened online to a reading from the prophet Jeremiah, taken from today's Office of readings:
For I know well the plans
I have in mind for you
says the Lord,
plans for your welfare,
not for woe!
plans to give you
a future full of hope.
When you call me,
when you go to pray to me,
I will listen to you.
When you look for me,
you will find me.
Yes, when you seek me
with all your heart,
you will find me
Yes, it does say "with all your heart", doesn't it? I cannot expect to find God by seeking Him with only part of my heart, allowing myself to reserve some other parts to seek what I want, to seek my comfort. No, my whole and entire heart.
And so I let go of my plans and allowed the Spirit to lead me to whatever grace there might be for me in the plan of today. Oddly, while I'm recovering from migraine, my memory and concentration are at a low point. But somehow I can distract myself by getting absorbed in a nonverbal project - and often do, lest I go mad from boredom. (Or perhaps I have gone mad?!)
The video below was assembled with some images I received this summer while walking aimlessly around lake and marsh, delighting in the plant and animal life that greeted me as well as the watery surroundings. The audio I recorded this afternoon after tuning my harp. It is not meant to be melodic, just a meandering through whatever grace God might offer in the moment.
So come, meander with me in the lostness of our common humanity and affliction. Let us seek Him always with our all of our hearts that we might might find Him with us, as He promised...